Saturday, July 4, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
anxiety-laden table-waiting dreams
__Recently I've had a few terrible service industry dreams (I can't bring myself to call 'em nightmares). Most servers have 'em, most of 'em are along the lines of "I keep getting sat with more and more tables and by the time I go to even greet the table they're super-pissed off..." And/or there's not enough support staff like bussers/runners/service bartenders, etc, that slow a server down from working at maximum efficiency. Anyway, the dreams are obnoxious and recently I've had two pretty vivid ones featuring the same horrible white lady.
__She wasn't in the first one all that much, but I was having the classic "can't get to all my tables in time" dream, every table needed something and it was impossible to reach everyone at once. I must have been tossing and turning because my girlfriend nudged me. I woke up instantly, sitting up in bed-- she was like, "Are you OK, can I do anything for you?" I thought about it for a few seconds before asking, "Could you please pour water on table 30?"
__This second one happened last night. In my dream I was "guest serving" at a family-run Cajun place (much like the one I go to here in NYC that flies up Louisiana crawfish, Mara's Homemade, but larger). I didn't know the menu, or the seat numbers, where they kept the silverware or any of the bullshit one has to be on point about when waiting tables... but there I was, getting sat, trying to wing it on personality alone. A friendly server can get away with being a dumbass (or saying some truly outrageous shit--I have another post on here somewhere about all that...), but not with every customer. Sure 'nuff, I had this six-top come in, a family, and the mother was that same woman from table 30. Taking her order took nearly ten minutes while I could see more tables getting sat all around me. Not knowing what was and wasn't on the menu required going back and forth to and from their table to the kitchen to talk to the chef for all the special, off-menu orders, modifications, etc. Chefs love it when you change their menu, too, in case you were wondering. So that was a major hassle... and then their food arrived all wrong, just a disaster. To her credit, this woman didn't send anything back, she decided to eat the food that had arrived with a passive aggressive frown, but not before saying she needed some super-specific kind of sauce and mashed potatoes (me: "We have mashed potatoes?"). Infuriated, I said something like, "Ma'am, I'm going to get what you need to enjoy your meal, but you have to understand you're being quite difficult, with all the special orders, the sauce, everything..." Her eyes started to glow bright white with unbridled anger, but I was already walking away towards the kitchen.
__Miraculously I managed to wake up right then, 9:30am. Instead of going back to sleep, I figured the most passive aggressive thing I could do was stay awake so this lady would never get her sauce & mashed potatoes, thus be unable to eat her food. So, HA! I WIN! All morning it felt like I quit a job in mid-shift, like this c-u-n-t is somewhere soooo pissed off, yelling at some poor manager like, "He was rude to me and then walked away and never came back!" Suck it, lady, suck it.
__It's true, though, that--in my experience--white women are the most likely to request some kind of special bullshit. Saturday n' Sunday brunch: filled with self-important white women. Is there a competition to modify menu items? Here's a brunch order I took from this white-woman circa fall of '08 (and then I'll end this godforsaken post):
__"Hmm, I don't see anything like this on the menu, but could you make a special omelette for me? Within reason, huh? Hmm, ok... I want a cheese, spinach, mushroom, tomato, onion omelette--but I want the onions diced and then sauteed... what type of mushrooms are those? Oh, that won't do--you don't have portabello mushrooms? Alright, alright, forget the mushrooms. Shitaake? Hmm. Asparagus, too, but on the side. Cheddar cheese, please. No cheddar? Only gruyere? I see goat cheese on the menu, I can't have that? For how much extra? Hmm... Really, no cheddar... American? Ok, I'll take the gruyere. How many eggs are in that omelette? Three? I want one more, but not a whole one, like another extra half-egg. I don't want it runny, but I don't want it cooked well-done, either. That comes with toast? No? I have to order a side? Hmm... well what does it come with? A crisp potato patty? What is that? What kind of oil do they use to cook that? Could they cook it in a different oil for me? Well then I'll just have fruit instead. I can only substitue a salad, not fruit? Ok, well then I'll have a salad instead... what type of dressings do you have? Only a balsalmic? I'll have that, but on the side. Can we please get some bread for the table? Right now I'm looking at other tables with bread--oh you bring out the bread when we're done ordering, I see. Mmm--croissant! What, the croissant is extra? Fine, I'll just have the complimentary baguette, but with strawberry jam. Only raspberry? Whatever, fine. Can I do an order of half-bacon, half-sausage? Ungh, ok--bacon then, extra crispy. I should probably eat some fruit, too... do you have a fruit salad? Ok, I'll have that, but no melon if there's melon, definitely no melon. Actually, just strawberries and blueberries, if you can, but more strawberries than blueberries. Oh, don't go, I'm not done--you do eggwhites, right? I want two of the three and a half eggs to be eggwhites and I'd like that omelette scrambled. Plus we're in a hurry and could we get that bread now?"
__Of course, I was insanely busy (and top of it until her order) so it was a hassle, and the last thing a busy kitchen wants to see is an order that looks like this:
TABLE 43 Server: CHESLEY
HAM/CHEESE OMELETTE
***NO
***HAM
***$SPIN
***$ONION
***$TOMATO
***$1 EGG
***NO
***RUNNY
***SCRAMBLED
***WHITES ONLY
***SEE SERVER
***NO POTATO
***SUB SALAD
***S.O.S.
***ONSIDE:
***$ASPARAGUS
***SEAT 2
FRUIT SALAD
***SEE SERVER
***SEAT 2
BACON
***EXTRA
***WELL DONE
***SEAT 2
I was so pissed off after taking that order that I almost broke up with my girlfriend for being a white woman.
Rant: officially over!
__She wasn't in the first one all that much, but I was having the classic "can't get to all my tables in time" dream, every table needed something and it was impossible to reach everyone at once. I must have been tossing and turning because my girlfriend nudged me. I woke up instantly, sitting up in bed-- she was like, "Are you OK, can I do anything for you?" I thought about it for a few seconds before asking, "Could you please pour water on table 30?"
__This second one happened last night. In my dream I was "guest serving" at a family-run Cajun place (much like the one I go to here in NYC that flies up Louisiana crawfish, Mara's Homemade, but larger). I didn't know the menu, or the seat numbers, where they kept the silverware or any of the bullshit one has to be on point about when waiting tables... but there I was, getting sat, trying to wing it on personality alone. A friendly server can get away with being a dumbass (or saying some truly outrageous shit--I have another post on here somewhere about all that...), but not with every customer. Sure 'nuff, I had this six-top come in, a family, and the mother was that same woman from table 30. Taking her order took nearly ten minutes while I could see more tables getting sat all around me. Not knowing what was and wasn't on the menu required going back and forth to and from their table to the kitchen to talk to the chef for all the special, off-menu orders, modifications, etc. Chefs love it when you change their menu, too, in case you were wondering. So that was a major hassle... and then their food arrived all wrong, just a disaster. To her credit, this woman didn't send anything back, she decided to eat the food that had arrived with a passive aggressive frown, but not before saying she needed some super-specific kind of sauce and mashed potatoes (me: "We have mashed potatoes?"). Infuriated, I said something like, "Ma'am, I'm going to get what you need to enjoy your meal, but you have to understand you're being quite difficult, with all the special orders, the sauce, everything..." Her eyes started to glow bright white with unbridled anger, but I was already walking away towards the kitchen.
__Miraculously I managed to wake up right then, 9:30am. Instead of going back to sleep, I figured the most passive aggressive thing I could do was stay awake so this lady would never get her sauce & mashed potatoes, thus be unable to eat her food. So, HA! I WIN! All morning it felt like I quit a job in mid-shift, like this c-u-n-t is somewhere soooo pissed off, yelling at some poor manager like, "He was rude to me and then walked away and never came back!" Suck it, lady, suck it.
__It's true, though, that--in my experience--white women are the most likely to request some kind of special bullshit. Saturday n' Sunday brunch: filled with self-important white women. Is there a competition to modify menu items? Here's a brunch order I took from this white-woman circa fall of '08 (and then I'll end this godforsaken post):
__"Hmm, I don't see anything like this on the menu, but could you make a special omelette for me? Within reason, huh? Hmm, ok... I want a cheese, spinach, mushroom, tomato, onion omelette--but I want the onions diced and then sauteed... what type of mushrooms are those? Oh, that won't do--you don't have portabello mushrooms? Alright, alright, forget the mushrooms. Shitaake? Hmm. Asparagus, too, but on the side. Cheddar cheese, please. No cheddar? Only gruyere? I see goat cheese on the menu, I can't have that? For how much extra? Hmm... Really, no cheddar... American? Ok, I'll take the gruyere. How many eggs are in that omelette? Three? I want one more, but not a whole one, like another extra half-egg. I don't want it runny, but I don't want it cooked well-done, either. That comes with toast? No? I have to order a side? Hmm... well what does it come with? A crisp potato patty? What is that? What kind of oil do they use to cook that? Could they cook it in a different oil for me? Well then I'll just have fruit instead. I can only substitue a salad, not fruit? Ok, well then I'll have a salad instead... what type of dressings do you have? Only a balsalmic? I'll have that, but on the side. Can we please get some bread for the table? Right now I'm looking at other tables with bread--oh you bring out the bread when we're done ordering, I see. Mmm--croissant! What, the croissant is extra? Fine, I'll just have the complimentary baguette, but with strawberry jam. Only raspberry? Whatever, fine. Can I do an order of half-bacon, half-sausage? Ungh, ok--bacon then, extra crispy. I should probably eat some fruit, too... do you have a fruit salad? Ok, I'll have that, but no melon if there's melon, definitely no melon. Actually, just strawberries and blueberries, if you can, but more strawberries than blueberries. Oh, don't go, I'm not done--you do eggwhites, right? I want two of the three and a half eggs to be eggwhites and I'd like that omelette scrambled. Plus we're in a hurry and could we get that bread now?"
__Of course, I was insanely busy (and top of it until her order) so it was a hassle, and the last thing a busy kitchen wants to see is an order that looks like this:
TABLE 43 Server: CHESLEY
HAM/CHEESE OMELETTE
***NO
***HAM
***$SPIN
***$ONION
***$TOMATO
***$1 EGG
***NO
***RUNNY
***SCRAMBLED
***WHITES ONLY
***SEE SERVER
***NO POTATO
***SUB SALAD
***S.O.S.
***ONSIDE:
***$ASPARAGUS
***SEAT 2
FRUIT SALAD
***SEE SERVER
***SEAT 2
BACON
***EXTRA
***WELL DONE
***SEAT 2
I was so pissed off after taking that order that I almost broke up with my girlfriend for being a white woman.
Rant: officially over!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Four Years In NYC, a Semi-Retrospective
The incense is burning, I'm big sippin' on a nice, full-bodied Italian red (Barbera D'Alba...DOC), my busted-up foot is icing down and I still have a tiny-bit of some Dad-shwag left over from the most recent BR trip (could roll a joint of nuthin' but stems n' seeds, no shit).
Altered enough to post? Oh yeah.
Am I satisfied with all that I've accomplished in the last four years? Somewhat. I've met a tremendous lot of amazing people, comedians and civilians alike. I've been fortunate enough to meet (and occasionally share the stage with) some of my comedic heroes. I host, along with Sean Patton--one of comedy's finest, period-- one of the best downtown comedy shows in New York... I'm really proud of CSL. The blood sweat & tears of production pay off (most of the time) every Thurs, so that's pretty sweet.
I do many more booked shows than I did even a year ago--and my kill-ratio is much higher--so I feel like things things are at least moving in the right direction. If only I had the time & energy to write enough jokes to grind out at the open mics... (see physical exhaustion below)... Working on a decent video to send out for festival submissions. Apparently my comedy is much like is was back in BR/New Orleans '03-'05: my forte is still blue humor and personal stand-up tragedy, just with less politics/religion, more sex/drugs... I should dedicate time to writing something more universally palatable if I ever plan to get on... Live at Gotham! or fuckin' whatever. Any one of the late night shows. Any late night show. Cable access: technically "shows" "late" at "night"...must investigate...
I've waited a shit tonne of tables, that's for sure. Via some string-pulling I was able to land a job in the trendy/busy Meat Packing District my first week in the city. Partied hard, enjoyed what the city had to offer (sex/drugs/rock n' roll/sex/drugs/sex/sex/drugs/etc). Was still writing essays but wasn't doing much stand-up... had enough patient friends to do a bringer here n' there. After about two years I quit to day-job it out, but elected to maintain the server-status, not sure why I didn't try to go back to the temp-world--oh, right I rember--the office will suck out your soul. Waiting tables makes one feel like a dirty whore (I still oftentimes list my occupation as "Laughsman McFoodwhore"). At least one can sneak his/her own work on the side in an office--within reason--but there's no certainly rewriting bits while filling up glasses of water, reciting the specials, n' fetching pints of Stella all day. Also, it's physically exhausting to make the amount of money it takes to exist in New York, particularly as a comic--late shows in bar$ almost every night (and to make enough to keep Visa off my ass, too). Tendencies leaning towards alcoholism don't help reign the budget in either, my friend(s).
I believe that, at some point, there was a goal to wait less tables and attempt the hellish world of commercial acting...? something about needing new headshots? Oh, right-- I need new head shots. (extra points to anyone who's seen my embarassing ones from when I had long hair! 2x points to anyone who actually owns one! ha! *sobs*). Anyway, the service industry blows, especially when the economy is collapsing...
On a brighter note: my living situation is sssweet. I finally finally finally live with friends... seriously, like, five of 'em--four of which are in a band together--Vintage Villain. One of 'em, Tim (more family than most of my blood-related family) was even a roommate from back in the BR. Additionally awesome, we live in a beautiful apartment--it's farther out from all the action than I'd prefer but I have space for all my rat-packin' bullshit I just can't bear to throw away. Ticket stubs from '01 & '06? Really? (see way below)
After years of staying off the Digital Crack (with few exceptions--surely I've posted about the PSP debacle a few years back?), being good and only playing games socially at friends' places, a couple of weeks ago one of my roomies went out and bought a Wii... let the good times roll. Thankfully the Wii is a piece of shit only worth playing socially; I don't have to worry about nine-hour Street Fighter IV sessions or two-day Halo 3/Call of Duty fragfests... Although, after I finish this post, I might download some online version of Bomberman... hmm. And before I speak too soon, my rolled-up change might end up parlayed into Super Mario Galaxy. Perhaps I'll yet relapse.
This post is already too long, but I'll keep going. Anyone who's read up to this point ought to be on board anyway-ish (either you're reading because you love me or are curious as to how fucked up this is gonna get).
Was thinking I'd have done more comedic shorts up 'til now, like, online funny videos. I have primitive video-editing skills, so there's no reason why I couldn't post some more shit, but, again, time & energy. I'm all about contributing to any project as best I can, but my production time is fully-consumed by CSL......... I have plenty o' friends making short videos all the time but I don't get the hollah too too often, or ever. Maybe because I say "hollah."
Full-on comedic acting, however, hasn't gone as poorly. I was in a feature-length ZomCom (zombie comedy) film, though I'm personally claiming it's more of a ComZom, because it's more focused on the funny than on insane zomberiffic gore (though there's definitely some of that, too). The Eaters. June 26 release-- has already been accepted to a festival in Long Island in July, we'll see where it goes from there (only gonna get better approaching Halloween). Shooting it was, hands down, the most fun I've had since moving up here, nooo doubt.
Been to Vegas twice, a city I'd never visited before moving to New York. My first time: Porn Convention. Awards ceremony? Nope. Expo hall? Yep. Knee-deep in dildos, where I feel most comfortable, I suppose. Great times, though. The second time, Valentines Day weekend '09, was there for three nights of Puscifer--I definitely posted about this trip (sacriligeous/vagina-centric sketch comedy + industrial/lounge/rock = Mr.Show meets an electronic version of a sarcastic/dark & funny Cure???). Wow. I feel as though I've truly been welcomed into the family, though the peripheral it may be, and it means more to mean than I can express here with mere words. And the vino they're makin' in AZ makes the 2007 D'Alba I'm 3/5 of the way into look silly.
Not to lose my status as one of the "Great Serial Monogamists of the Early Twenty-First Century," for the last two years (this Monday, actually) I've been dating a lovely young lady. She's been 100% understanding and supportive of my constant case of artists' starvation, pushing the physical limits of hearing same/similar bits over and over and over.... She's a scientist working in the non-profit sector, helping injured dancers get healthcare, so we're broke together, which is nice.
So 5/20 is almost over--
--5/20, 2001 is the first time I ever came to New York, flying up for a Tool concert on their mini-tour, five days after Lateralus was released (and was #1 all over the world) in a tiny venue (Hammerstein Ballroom)-- DAVID CROSS & BRIAN POSEHN introduced them with a ridiculous sketch. I stayed with Victor, an artist I'd met in BR but knew more through mutual friends (as I was coming into my own there after he'd already moved to NYC). His place was in a yet-to-be-gentrified (ie terrifying) Greenpoint, Brookyln. I traded three sugarcubes doused in liquid LSD for a space to sleep on his floor.
--5/20, 2006 is also the date when I saw Tool at the itty-bitty theater here in NYC, City Center, five days after 10,000 Days was released (#1 in U.S. and other English-speaking countries, #1 on some Euro-rock charts... like it fuckin' matters).
So yeah, technically I may have moved to NYC earlier in May than the 20th, but the 20th is when I'll celebrate. This post is too long, it's five after midnight. 5/21. Here's to the next four years.
Love,
Chesley
Altered enough to post? Oh yeah.
Am I satisfied with all that I've accomplished in the last four years? Somewhat. I've met a tremendous lot of amazing people, comedians and civilians alike. I've been fortunate enough to meet (and occasionally share the stage with) some of my comedic heroes. I host, along with Sean Patton--one of comedy's finest, period-- one of the best downtown comedy shows in New York... I'm really proud of CSL. The blood sweat & tears of production pay off (most of the time) every Thurs, so that's pretty sweet.
I do many more booked shows than I did even a year ago--and my kill-ratio is much higher--so I feel like things things are at least moving in the right direction. If only I had the time & energy to write enough jokes to grind out at the open mics... (see physical exhaustion below)... Working on a decent video to send out for festival submissions. Apparently my comedy is much like is was back in BR/New Orleans '03-'05: my forte is still blue humor and personal stand-up tragedy, just with less politics/religion, more sex/drugs... I should dedicate time to writing something more universally palatable if I ever plan to get on... Live at Gotham! or fuckin' whatever. Any one of the late night shows. Any late night show. Cable access: technically "shows" "late" at "night"...must investigate...
I've waited a shit tonne of tables, that's for sure. Via some string-pulling I was able to land a job in the trendy/busy Meat Packing District my first week in the city. Partied hard, enjoyed what the city had to offer (sex/drugs/rock n' roll/sex/drugs/sex/sex/drugs/etc). Was still writing essays but wasn't doing much stand-up... had enough patient friends to do a bringer here n' there. After about two years I quit to day-job it out, but elected to maintain the server-status, not sure why I didn't try to go back to the temp-world--oh, right I rember--the office will suck out your soul. Waiting tables makes one feel like a dirty whore (I still oftentimes list my occupation as "Laughsman McFoodwhore"). At least one can sneak his/her own work on the side in an office--within reason--but there's no certainly rewriting bits while filling up glasses of water, reciting the specials, n' fetching pints of Stella all day. Also, it's physically exhausting to make the amount of money it takes to exist in New York, particularly as a comic--late shows in bar$ almost every night (and to make enough to keep Visa off my ass, too). Tendencies leaning towards alcoholism don't help reign the budget in either, my friend(s).
I believe that, at some point, there was a goal to wait less tables and attempt the hellish world of commercial acting...? something about needing new headshots? Oh, right-- I need new head shots. (extra points to anyone who's seen my embarassing ones from when I had long hair! 2x points to anyone who actually owns one! ha! *sobs*). Anyway, the service industry blows, especially when the economy is collapsing...
On a brighter note: my living situation is sssweet. I finally finally finally live with friends... seriously, like, five of 'em--four of which are in a band together--Vintage Villain. One of 'em, Tim (more family than most of my blood-related family) was even a roommate from back in the BR. Additionally awesome, we live in a beautiful apartment--it's farther out from all the action than I'd prefer but I have space for all my rat-packin' bullshit I just can't bear to throw away. Ticket stubs from '01 & '06? Really? (see way below)
After years of staying off the Digital Crack (with few exceptions--surely I've posted about the PSP debacle a few years back?), being good and only playing games socially at friends' places, a couple of weeks ago one of my roomies went out and bought a Wii... let the good times roll. Thankfully the Wii is a piece of shit only worth playing socially; I don't have to worry about nine-hour Street Fighter IV sessions or two-day Halo 3/Call of Duty fragfests... Although, after I finish this post, I might download some online version of Bomberman... hmm. And before I speak too soon, my rolled-up change might end up parlayed into Super Mario Galaxy. Perhaps I'll yet relapse.
This post is already too long, but I'll keep going. Anyone who's read up to this point ought to be on board anyway-ish (either you're reading because you love me or are curious as to how fucked up this is gonna get).
Was thinking I'd have done more comedic shorts up 'til now, like, online funny videos. I have primitive video-editing skills, so there's no reason why I couldn't post some more shit, but, again, time & energy. I'm all about contributing to any project as best I can, but my production time is fully-consumed by CSL......... I have plenty o' friends making short videos all the time but I don't get the hollah too too often, or ever. Maybe because I say "hollah."
Full-on comedic acting, however, hasn't gone as poorly. I was in a feature-length ZomCom (zombie comedy) film, though I'm personally claiming it's more of a ComZom, because it's more focused on the funny than on insane zomberiffic gore (though there's definitely some of that, too). The Eaters. June 26 release-- has already been accepted to a festival in Long Island in July, we'll see where it goes from there (only gonna get better approaching Halloween). Shooting it was, hands down, the most fun I've had since moving up here, nooo doubt.
Been to Vegas twice, a city I'd never visited before moving to New York. My first time: Porn Convention. Awards ceremony? Nope. Expo hall? Yep. Knee-deep in dildos, where I feel most comfortable, I suppose. Great times, though. The second time, Valentines Day weekend '09, was there for three nights of Puscifer--I definitely posted about this trip (sacriligeous/vagina-centric sketch comedy + industrial/lounge/rock = Mr.Show meets an electronic version of a sarcastic/dark & funny Cure???). Wow. I feel as though I've truly been welcomed into the family, though the peripheral it may be, and it means more to mean than I can express here with mere words. And the vino they're makin' in AZ makes the 2007 D'Alba I'm 3/5 of the way into look silly.
Not to lose my status as one of the "Great Serial Monogamists of the Early Twenty-First Century," for the last two years (this Monday, actually) I've been dating a lovely young lady. She's been 100% understanding and supportive of my constant case of artists' starvation, pushing the physical limits of hearing same/similar bits over and over and over.... She's a scientist working in the non-profit sector, helping injured dancers get healthcare, so we're broke together, which is nice.
So 5/20 is almost over--
--5/20, 2001 is the first time I ever came to New York, flying up for a Tool concert on their mini-tour, five days after Lateralus was released (and was #1 all over the world) in a tiny venue (Hammerstein Ballroom)-- DAVID CROSS & BRIAN POSEHN introduced them with a ridiculous sketch. I stayed with Victor, an artist I'd met in BR but knew more through mutual friends (as I was coming into my own there after he'd already moved to NYC). His place was in a yet-to-be-gentrified (ie terrifying) Greenpoint, Brookyln. I traded three sugarcubes doused in liquid LSD for a space to sleep on his floor.
--5/20, 2006 is also the date when I saw Tool at the itty-bitty theater here in NYC, City Center, five days after 10,000 Days was released (#1 in U.S. and other English-speaking countries, #1 on some Euro-rock charts... like it fuckin' matters).
So yeah, technically I may have moved to NYC earlier in May than the 20th, but the 20th is when I'll celebrate. This post is too long, it's five after midnight. 5/21. Here's to the next four years.
Love,
Chesley
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
...from an email to a friend in the Baton Rouge Chess Club
Sad to hear about the "club folding" (were you making a pun on how many perfectly respectable chess players have been lost to the dark art of Texas Hold 'Em?). When I first moved here I would go out to Washington Square Park and play for small sums of money, and I'd win some, lose some (go up $15, then lose it all, etc), pretty fun, but then the regular park players would start to take it too seriously and start switching up players on the same board--so instead of racking up a $15 lead on an Indian guy, next thing you know some shady Slavic is holding all your rent money (I exaggerate, but barely). One could have argued, but let's just say their particular brand of chess etiquette was somewhat intimidating.
Here's one good one and then I'm gonna get back to work:
So I've worked in a handful of restaurants over the last few years, right-- there was one huge, beautiful three-star place with a large, internationally diverse staff. As I'm sure you've experienced countless times, when someone finds out you play chess, they immediately want to play. After going through the trouble of setting up the board it's almost always a let down because they're terrible--no strategy, poor tactics, non-existent opening knowledge, etc. It's gotten to the point where I don't bust out my set unless I know someone is above decent, and most people are not. Well, at this restaurant, which weeee'll calllll Spice Market (because it's called Spice Market) there was a fellow server, Dimitri, who happened to be from Russia. Chess comes up: "You play chess? I play chess! Let's play chess!" I replied with a quick No Thanks until about a week later I saw him on the subway... his reading material: chess problems. Hmmm, might have to bring out the ol' set after all (and I'm sure you remember my leather roll-up board & wooden pieces stuffed inside that beat up old suitcase... me circa 2000: "I made it myself" your reply: "I can tell!")
So we made it a point to play one day the next week-- we were both working doubles and had breaks in between shifts, so after working lunch we sat down in the downstairs lounge/dining area (closed to the public during lunch), which is this gorgeous, opulent lounge replete with furniture imported from Thailand, no ceiling as the space opens up to the primary ground-level dining room... all this light is filtering in... it was like setting up a chess set in the middle of some kind of dramatic movie. We decided to play game in 15 just to feel out if we needed to make adjustments. I drew white and we immediately got into the two-knights defense (as I am wont to do). After I play both Bc4 and Ng5, he doesn't know well enough to push ...d5 etc, so I ended up keeping the pressure on f7 and busting him out of the opening, not a whole lot of fun. Great, we're all set up and this what's gonna happen--he's gonna be terrible!? We quickly switched colors, reset the clock and started the second game. Feeling a little cocky from the first game, I pushed ...d5 to his e4, which he took, but then I pushed ...c6. That's an opening, right? He took, I captured with my knight... I sacrificed a pawn to develop my knight and open up the c-file and all that business... well, I should have played something a little more sound, or at the very least something I was more comfortable with because next thing I knew, we had ourselves a game. By this time the dinner shift folks started to trickle in to eat the offensively terrible family meal this place served each evening before the PM shift. The servers--mostly actors, musicians, etc, could care less. However, the bussers, a group fifteen or so strong, from places as far-flung as Bangladesh, India, Tibet, Trinidad, Haiti, Colombia, French Guiana, all gathered 'round. It came down to a bishop & rook vs knight & rook endgame, which I won (with the bishop), but barely. We were both in time-control danger territory, making it all the more fun to watch-- made me miss the Baton Rouge Chess Club so much! The bussers all wanted a piece of the action, but we had to squeeze in one more quick game before going back to work. The last game was maybe game in 10min? I don't recall it having been as dramatic or close... like I gained some positional advantage out of the opening, but nothing happened like the first game rout. Anyway, best chess game in NYC--the only one that's made me miss the game so much.
Fast-forward four years to about a month ago to the first nice day this year--everyone is in Union Square Park, just happy to be outdoors... what a release, finally! Admittedly, I was high (THC) at the time and getting ready to sit in the park and do some comedy writing. Who rollerblades up but Dimitri himself. He had a board and wanted to play, but I was high and wanted to write. I acquiesced, agreeing to play ONE game. He said he's been working on his Sicilian Dragon (even flashed me the book from his bag to prove it), so I let him play black. It's a super-close game, lots of delicate positional chess peppered with outrageous exchanges... beyond the extra pawn I managed to pry away, we came down to an otherwise dead-even rook & pawn endgame. I was able to finagle a half-tempo on the last exchange and began marching that solitary pawn down the never-so-long H-file. But then I somehow boneheadedly blundered (???) and gave him an extra move to push far enough ahead of my pawn to secure the draw! Damn you, Dimitri! Of course he was wearing that smug "I just shat out a draw" look on his face...
Here's one good one and then I'm gonna get back to work:
So I've worked in a handful of restaurants over the last few years, right-- there was one huge, beautiful three-star place with a large, internationally diverse staff. As I'm sure you've experienced countless times, when someone finds out you play chess, they immediately want to play. After going through the trouble of setting up the board it's almost always a let down because they're terrible--no strategy, poor tactics, non-existent opening knowledge, etc. It's gotten to the point where I don't bust out my set unless I know someone is above decent, and most people are not. Well, at this restaurant, which weeee'll calllll Spice Market (because it's called Spice Market) there was a fellow server, Dimitri, who happened to be from Russia. Chess comes up: "You play chess? I play chess! Let's play chess!" I replied with a quick No Thanks until about a week later I saw him on the subway... his reading material: chess problems. Hmmm, might have to bring out the ol' set after all (and I'm sure you remember my leather roll-up board & wooden pieces stuffed inside that beat up old suitcase... me circa 2000: "I made it myself" your reply: "I can tell!")
So we made it a point to play one day the next week-- we were both working doubles and had breaks in between shifts, so after working lunch we sat down in the downstairs lounge/dining area (closed to the public during lunch), which is this gorgeous, opulent lounge replete with furniture imported from Thailand, no ceiling as the space opens up to the primary ground-level dining room... all this light is filtering in... it was like setting up a chess set in the middle of some kind of dramatic movie. We decided to play game in 15 just to feel out if we needed to make adjustments. I drew white and we immediately got into the two-knights defense (as I am wont to do). After I play both Bc4 and Ng5, he doesn't know well enough to push ...d5 etc, so I ended up keeping the pressure on f7 and busting him out of the opening, not a whole lot of fun. Great, we're all set up and this what's gonna happen--he's gonna be terrible!? We quickly switched colors, reset the clock and started the second game. Feeling a little cocky from the first game, I pushed ...d5 to his e4, which he took, but then I pushed ...c6. That's an opening, right? He took, I captured with my knight... I sacrificed a pawn to develop my knight and open up the c-file and all that business... well, I should have played something a little more sound, or at the very least something I was more comfortable with because next thing I knew, we had ourselves a game. By this time the dinner shift folks started to trickle in to eat the offensively terrible family meal this place served each evening before the PM shift. The servers--mostly actors, musicians, etc, could care less. However, the bussers, a group fifteen or so strong, from places as far-flung as Bangladesh, India, Tibet, Trinidad, Haiti, Colombia, French Guiana, all gathered 'round. It came down to a bishop & rook vs knight & rook endgame, which I won (with the bishop), but barely. We were both in time-control danger territory, making it all the more fun to watch-- made me miss the Baton Rouge Chess Club so much! The bussers all wanted a piece of the action, but we had to squeeze in one more quick game before going back to work. The last game was maybe game in 10min? I don't recall it having been as dramatic or close... like I gained some positional advantage out of the opening, but nothing happened like the first game rout. Anyway, best chess game in NYC--the only one that's made me miss the game so much.
Fast-forward four years to about a month ago to the first nice day this year--everyone is in Union Square Park, just happy to be outdoors... what a release, finally! Admittedly, I was high (THC) at the time and getting ready to sit in the park and do some comedy writing. Who rollerblades up but Dimitri himself. He had a board and wanted to play, but I was high and wanted to write. I acquiesced, agreeing to play ONE game. He said he's been working on his Sicilian Dragon (even flashed me the book from his bag to prove it), so I let him play black. It's a super-close game, lots of delicate positional chess peppered with outrageous exchanges... beyond the extra pawn I managed to pry away, we came down to an otherwise dead-even rook & pawn endgame. I was able to finagle a half-tempo on the last exchange and began marching that solitary pawn down the never-so-long H-file. But then I somehow boneheadedly blundered (???) and gave him an extra move to push far enough ahead of my pawn to secure the draw! Damn you, Dimitri! Of course he was wearing that smug "I just shat out a draw" look on his face...
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Crucial Blog Post
__What's up, people? I may have fallen short re the promise to update this blog more often, but I believe the general public has fallen short on their end of the bargain, which, as we all know, was for more members of said general public to check out the blog. You let me down first, public!__Hmm, so where to begin? I went to Vegas w/ RMC for three nights of Puscifer, but that was back in mid-Feb (has it been that long?). Ended up meeting some truly awesome, inspiring folks while I was there... let's just say this Taint Comedy Great? sticker in the middle of this door is backstage after the last night's performance... great times, indeed.
__In late March/early April I went back to Louisiana for a comedy mini-tour ("Slow Burn") with my friend and fellow comedian, Zach Broussard. The New Orleans show was all right, the Baton Rouge show was so-so (at best), and the Lafayette show was awesome. I'll post my set from the last stop below...
__The weekly show at Kabin, Comedy as a Second Language has been going well enough--we had awesome audiences for the last few months despite the terrible weather and general economic
nose dive. However, the last couple of weeks have been off. Not sure what to make of it... The next TAINT COMEDY GREAT? will be Friday May 1st! Check out the details its Facebook event page! All-star lineup: Tom McCaffrey, Roger Hailes, Jared Logan, Ali Wong, Sean Donnelly!?!? Holy shit it's gonna be a fun one...__I've beeeeeen Twittering, but not a lot. I read more than I post (like blogs, am I right, people?), but I'll throw something out there every once in a while: "I hit the bowl twice and lit a stick of incense with one match!" I'm kind of torn on the site as a whole, but it's so new that we're just beginning to see what fury hath been unleashed.
__Also, I have a busted up foot from playing basketball-- a 260lb black dude smashed my foot. I was afraid my second metatarsal on my right foot was fractured, but after having spent five or six hours at the hospital/clinic, x-rays are showing (somewhat inconclusively) that it's just a bad contusion (re bruise). Either way, I'm in a soft cast (just like a hard cast, but soft) for a week and can't work, so I'm not entirely sure how rent's gonna get paid. Still have some shows I'm booked on--may the drink tickets keep a comin'! And who knows, maybe this blog'll get updated another time or two!
__Oh, and for those of y'all who might be interested, I'll be doing the Naked Comedy Showcase on Saturday May 2nd. 8PM $10 at the PIT (People's Improv Theater). Holla.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
"I'm Drunk"
A short comedic video for Victor Varnardo's monthly film festival, written and directed by David O. Rogers, featuring some friends of mine (Steve Sokolov, Shira Gregory & Jun Naito). I don't have explicit permission to post this one, so I don't know how long it'll be up [insert your own lame limp-dick joke here!].
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Can I Pray For You?
This afternoon I was in a coffee shop and the young woman next to me was reading a Bible. No big deal, just not a common sight here in New York, but whatever.
Anyway, as she was getting up to go, she turned to me, "I've never asked anyone this before... would it be okay if I pray for you?"
Uh, I guess-- do I look like I need prayer? I mean, I was drinking coffee and reading the New York Times Science section... definite heathen.
"Do you have anything specific you'd like me to cover?"
I didn't know what to tell her--money is impossibly tight? Or could she ask God to help get me a Live at Gotham or Montreal audition? Or do something about the
violence raging in the Middle East? I settled with a simple "I have problems sleeping." Which is true, and now that I think about it, kind of a passive aggressive request for God... like, "I can't sleep... perhaps You know why, oh omniscient God!"
She laid her hand on my shoulder and I dutifully bowed my head... she started off with a 'Dear, Father God...' which I've always thought was a weird way to address the Chrstian God... Like, 'Screw you, other two-thirds of the Holy Trinity--this prayer is for FATHER God!'
So she prayed a relatively generic prayer, which was suspiciously decent for her 'first time.' Having attended Lutheran and then Assemblies of God schools my entire life, I think I'm a decent judge (over the years I've heard way too many 'Father God's).
Anyway, she meant well enough and she was not unattractive (otherwise
I woulda said no way!). I'm sure she got a huge high from it and is probably already telling her church friends about her having been moved by the Spirit. So, wherever you are, Crystal, you're welcome!
--sent from the cell--
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
